woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
