i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
