if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
