Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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