I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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