i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
