Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
