i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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