Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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