After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
