my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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