I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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