I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
