Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
