Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
