She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
