im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
