I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
