I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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