Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
