Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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