Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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