No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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