Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
