some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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