It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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