I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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