clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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