how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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