sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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