Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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