Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
