I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
