my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
