god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
