I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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