You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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