it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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