Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
