In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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