oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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