just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
