Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Oh god it's open bar.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
