in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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