the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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