I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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