I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
