I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
