There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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