Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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